The Donut World
by angeleyez1
Summary: no real plot here. it wouldn't be a true Hitchhiker's Guide fanfic if it had a plot now would it? It's about Ford and Arthur on earth and some of the things Ford points out to Arthur.
1. Panic

A/N: I have never written a Hitchhiker's guide story before. So I gave   
it a shot. I hope you like my little bit of madness.  
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-  
  
Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent ran through the ship to the controls at  
the front. They had been drinking tea (well Arthur was after he finally  
got the machine to make it out of a spare turtle-neck) when a loud   
banging noise had startled them.  
  
They were now quite aware of the ships rapid decent towards a strange  
planet. What they didn't know was that they had gone back in time (one  
of the defense mechanisms of the Heart of Gold when it feels threatened  
and in this case it had decided that the steel-eating lichens were really  
getting out of hand). So they were now spiralling to their seemingly un-escapable  
doom.  
  
"How do you CONTROL THIS THING?!" Ford exploded when he pressed a button  
and it squirted him with lemonade.  
  
"Don't ask me I wasn't the one who designed it!" Arthur was beginning to panic.  
  
"Is there any kind of owner's manual or something?"  
  
"This ship was STOLEN! What are they going to say 'Ok well I hope you  
have a good time after you steal our ship well just incase you get into  
a bit of a pickle here's a handy manual?'"  
  
"Arthur, can we please not have any sarcasm for now!"  
  
"So sorry Ford, but there's nothing else to do."  
  
"Well we can't stop trying!" Ford screamed as he whacked at another button.  
  
A very relaxed monotonous voice came from the speakers. "You stupid fool.   
You cannot empty the toilet when you are approaching a planet."  
  
"ARGGH!!! I DON'T WANT TO EMPTY THE TOILET I WANT TO STOP THE SHIP!!!"  
  
"Then I suggest you try that lever," The voice said.  
  
Ford looked around. "There's about four levers!"  
  
"I know."  
  
"I KNOW YOU KNOW!" Ford was really getting angry with the ship. "CAN   
YOU JUST TELL ME WHICH ONE IT IS?!"  
  
"The blue one sir."  
  
"THANKYOU!" Ford scrambled to the levers just as the ship jolted and   
threw him onto the floor. With much effort he got back up and pulled the  
lever.  
  
"Landing sequence engaged. Landing sequence engaged." Came the voice.  
  
"Finally!" Ford walked over to a big chair and flopped into it. A small  
sigh escaped him.  
  
"Well that's about enough adventure for one day," Arthur decided.  
  
"Enough? Yes, I'd say waaaaaaayyy more than enough. But guess what?  
We're landing. And that's bound to be another adventure in itself." 


	2. We Are Preparing to Land

A/N: Please r/r I love reviews!Who doesn't? Oh and I also forgot to  
put a disclaimer on the first chapter so here's me saying I own nothing!  
except some of the jokes and you know it's possible even I don't own  
them... but you know that's highly unlikely. Am I getting of topic?  
Yes, I think I am so basically I don't own anything. Buh-bye now.  
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-  
  
"We're about to land." Ford announced, even though there was only one   
other person that he could be talking to.  
  
"Please do not move from your current position." A voice told the two  
passengers. "We're preparing to get your drinks."  
  
"Did we order drinks?" Arthur asks Ford.  
  
"No, I don't think so but you have to remember this ship decideds things  
on it's own..."   
  
"Ok."  
  
"Please do not move from your current position."  
  
"It's likes to say that doesn't it?"  
  
"Shhhh! I think we're landing."  
  
"We're preparing to wash the floor."  
  
"Wash the floor?" Arthur was vyer confused.  
  
"I told you it decideds things on it's own."  
  
Just then two glasses popped out of a nearby table. They were filled  
with a bright purple liquid. Arthur made a face.  
  
"Ugh! What is that?" Ford was just as disgusted as Arthur.  
  
"Just drink it. We made it for you." The voice sounded as parental as  
a monotonous voice could.  
  
"I'm not drinking anything that comes out of this ship that isn't the  
right color."  
  
"Fine." The voice sounded slightly pissed.  
  
The glasses sank into the table. Arthur sat back but Ford was not in a  
relaxing mood.  
  
"When are we going to land?"  
  
"Well there are certain priorities," The ship said while water gushed   
out of vents across the tile floor, "that must be attended to--"  
  
Ford cut the ship off, "PRIORITIES?! Oh yeah I can completely see how  
drinks and clean floors are among the major things we need to get done."  
  
"No need to get snappy." The ship sassed. It sounded quite indignant.  
  
"can we just land?" Ford pleaded.  
  
"Fine." Finished the ship huffily.  
  
"Please do not move from your current position. We are preparing to land." 


	3. Quirks of the USA

A/N: Heylo again! this is chapter 3 (well duh...) I think there's only  
gonna be four chapters so know that we're coming sorta to the end. I  
know I know, there was no plot. Have any of you read the actual books?  
ok, is there a plot?! didn't think so... lol. My advice is never read  
them for a book report.... I did that my teacher was like ok write a   
paragraph about the plot of your story then write another paragraph  
about how it was solved. I was like uhhhhhh... HELP! NO PLOT HERE!...  
yeah that was a fun one to explain...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Well it's about time." Arthur remarked.   
  
"Now if your going to make smart comments I could just fly you around  
forever!"  
  
"Oh great. Now we have a sassy ship."   
  
The ship promptly sprayed him with lemonade.  
  
"Do you have an obsession with spraying people with LEMONADE?!" Arthur  
snapped while mopping his face.  
  
"Oh my dear lord!" Ford shouted in exasperation. "I feel like I'm trying  
to seperate children here!" Out of the corner of his mouth he  
added to Arthur, "I would quit while your ahead, it's bigger than you."  
  
Ford then smiled and sat down pulling Arthur into the chair next to him.  
  
"We are nearing the planet. Please finish up in the loo." The ship  
drawled.  
  
"No one's in the 'loo'." Ford corrected.  
  
"Yes they are." The ship said indignatly. "I am never wrong."  
  
Ford and Arthur slowly turned to look at eachother. Suddenly it got   
considerably darker. Ford got an annoyed look on his face. "Could you  
turn the lights BACK UP PLEASE!"  
  
"But it's for dramatic effect!" The ship whined.  
  
"But nothing! I can't see my ankles!"   
  
"Uhhh, Ford. Why do you need to see your ankles?" Arthur asked, puzzled.  
  
"Shhhh!!" Ford hissed while drawing his finger quickly back and forth  
across his neck.   
  
"OH! Yeah, come to think of it I can't see mine either! Ummm we really  
need the lights on." Arthur said loudly.  
  
"Arthur."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Come here." Ford said while motioning with his finger.  
  
Arthur walked carefully over to Ford who slapped him in the back of the  
head.  
  
"Ow! Whatdja do that for?" Arthur moped.  
  
Ford pulled Arthur's shirt collar down so their heads were together.  
  
"When I say something that doesn't make sense you're gonna catch it.  
The ship's not. So from now on just let it go. k?"  
  
"Right."   
  
They both stood up.  
  
"Right now who was in the bathroom?" Ford asked.  
  
He then noticed that it was still dark.  
  
"Uhhhh ship? Mind turning the lights up?"  
  
"HMPH!" The ship huffed and squirted Ford with lemonade.  
  
Arthur banged on the bathroom door. "Who ever's in there needs to come  
out!"  
  
A groggy voice came from with in the bathroom. "Can't a robot get a  
moment's peace?!"  
  
"Marvin!" An extremely depressed robot pulled back the door and stepped  
out of the bathroom.  
  
"Wait." Puzzled Arthur,"Why were you even in the bathroom?"  
  
Marvin raised his arm to answer, then stopped. "Come to think of it, I  
have no idea." He turned away from them and rolled towards the front of  
the ship.  
  
When Ford and Arthur had finally returned to their seats the ship was  
just shuddering to a halt.  
  
"We're here!" Ford announced cheerily.  
  
Arthur rushed to the door and threw it back. He gasped.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on we're over that phase. We press the improbability  
drive it takes us somewhere new. We open the door. OMG! gasp! So totally  
over that. What could possibly--" He stopped when he finally looked out  
the door.  
  
The both stood open mouthed staring out the ship door.  
  
They were in the yard in front of Arthur's house and could see three  
bull-dozers just pulling up outside.  
  
"Arthur? Did we go back in time?" Ford asked warily.  
  
"Yeah." Arthur replied breathily. "This is moments before the world is   
going to end.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" They both screamed.  
  
"Would you two STOP being so loud!"  
  
"What are you going to squirt us with lemonade?" Arthur retorted.  
  
"No. All my lemonade is gone."  
  
"Thankgod."  
  
"Would you two stop bickering? Arthur lets go and walk around one more  
time and then leave just before the end of the earth k?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
They were both walking down the street holding ice cream cones and   
looking in all the windows of the shops.  
  
"You know, in my years of living here, I've come to some conclusions."  
  
"Which are?"  
  
"Mind you, they're not proven."  
  
"Ford, just get on with it."  
  
"Ok. I think that if we were to take all the donut shops out of the U.S.  
our entire economy would collapse. I mean think about it. You've got  
yum yum, dunkin' donuts, the hidden bakery, Kirspy Kreme--"  
  
Arthur cut him off. "Yeah I get the point."  
  
"Oh and another thing. What is the point of reality TV shows? I mean  
come on. You humans are so twisted if you like to watch people get  
annoyed with eachother and get dissapointed or pissed off. All it is  
is drama, drama, drama! Don't you get enough of that from real life?   
Do you really have to go laugh at some other people? And why do they  
call them 'reality' TV shows? I mean come on! Are you really going to  
strand yourself on an island for 40 days in reality? It's so far from  
real it's not even funny."  
  
"I guess I never looked at it that way."  
  
"Yeah. And what's up with your government? Does it even tell you anything?  
Oh yeah and the other minor problem that we had to deal with the other  
day was that some person sprayed perfume on an airline guard. But that's  
just to distract you while we pull the bunny out of our hat and send it  
off to Iraq to go eat all Sadaam's cabbage."  
  
"Ford. What are you babbling about?" Arthur was starting to worry now.  
  
"Because we know that Sadaam is going to attack us any minute with his  
nuclear war heads 'cause we heard it through the grape-vine and even though  
you're not supposed to trust the grape-vine in middle school this is  
the government so of course all the rules are immediatly thrown out the   
window."  
  
"Ford!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"What did you mean by grape-vine?"  
  
"You know rumors. This person tells that person that person goes and tells  
someone else and the story gets so warped."  
  
"Oh is that how you came up with rabbits eat Sadaam Hussein's cabbage?"  
  
"No that was just an our burst."  
  
"Oh ok. Go on then."  
  
"Thankyou. Certain things I can let slide but certain other things I just  
have to gripe about like that Anna Nicole show? That's one that can give  
me hours of material. Oh and the whole jets circling the white house?  
That's just a tiny bit weird... You know there are so many quirky things  
in this country..."  
  
"Tell me about it. But come on it's almost time to leave. The way you're   
talking about this stuff you make it sound a wonder that Bush didn't   
just send his cabbage eating bunnies and his Anna Nicole slut to attack   
the Vogans."  
  
"Yeah but Bush didn't know about the Vogans. And why do you keep refering  
to the cabbage eating rabbits? That wasn't supposed to be taken seriously."  
  
"Well we don't have much time to debate such trivial things. We gotta  
get out of the warped world before it rapidly clashes with an even more  
warped world."  
  
"What outer space?"  
  
"Yeah. No beings in the universe have seem to grabbed a hold of peace  
and sanity."  
  
"I don't think any ever will..." 


	4. Author Note

A/N: Hey guys, i know that Arthur lives in England and that the world  
  
was blown up in the 80's. The entire point of this story was to rave  
  
about what doesn't make sense in the world, which is a big part of the   
  
books too. Since i don't live in England i don't know what doesn't   
  
make sense there, therefore i can't write about it. So i switched  
  
Arthur's house to the US just so i could complain about our government  
  
and what it's been doing lately. Sorry for the inconvience.  
  
~angeleyez 


End file.
